Happy Monday, Goose Army!
We're going to do something a little different on Das Midnight Goose today. You know how I used to share screencaps of text messages between me and JoJo? Well, Adie, from over at From Adie, with Love blog, and I decided we would hold a DM conference on the Tweeter, discuss certain topics, solve the world's problems, and share the results with you. So, sit back, relax, and watch Adie and Allen save the world!
Adie & Allen Save the World - Volume 1
Allen: Okay. The first topic I got here is that creepy little “Elf on the Shelf” bitch. I mean, since we’re coming out of Christmas here, I thought we could get a start on working on getting people off of this trend for Christmas 2019. Unless you’re on board with that junior Chucky-lookin’ motherfucker?
Adie: Dear God. Fuck that thing. Like, it’s not creepy enough that Santa’s watching me sleep, now he’s sending his creepy little spies into my house? Fuck that. Pup’s brother and sister-in-law do it for their kids and it’s just the worst.
Allen: They should be investigated, obviously. I mean why would the inventors give that thing a facial expression that says: “I watch you in the shower and when you make poo?” I don’t find it the least bit cute that that thing is supposed to be roaming around while everyone is sleeping, getting into high-jinx, probably touching us in our sleep…when I first see one on someone’s mantle, or, I guess, shelf, my first instinct is to, well, scream, then cunt punt it into the next town over.
Adie: It has friends now, you know. You can buy “Elf on the Shelf” buddies—like a gang of terrifying murder dolls waiting to come to life.
Allen: Okay. Now I’m genuinely creeped out and also insanely jealous that I didn’t think to splice the DNA of a Troll doll with a Bratz Doll and do a Voodoo ritual to infuse it with the soul of Charles Lee Ray so I could make a million bucks.
Adie: Right? It’s such an insanely simple idea and it’s making bank. Hat’s off to the parents that do it, though. I mean, if I had kids young enough to believe a little plastic elf toy is magically zipping around the house and reporting their behavior back to Santa, I would probably be too exhausted trying to keep them alive to bother with the damn thing. I might set up an “Elf on the Shelf” surveillance camera, though. SANTA’S WATCHING!!!
Allen: I draw the line at a little sexual-predator (allegedly) in my home at Christmas. Hard pass.
Adie: OH MY GOD! DO YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE BETTER??
Adie: Like “Elf on a Shelf”, but instead of a creepy, coyly grinning elf predator, it's like this grizzly, haggard old elf with, like, a scar and an eye patch and 5 o'clock shadow. Now THAT'S an elf I would trust to make a proper report to Santa. That’s an elf who has seen some shit and he’s not fucking around. He’s just there to get his paycheck and you will not get in his way.
Allen: I don’t know about copyright laws and trademarks, but I think with the right lawyer, a sewing machine, and a dab of Voodoo, we could make this happen!
Adie: If we make it just different enough, it won’t matter. Plus, if we call it a gnome instead of an elf, they don’t really have much to stand on. It’s a totally different mythical creature.
Allen: “Gnome for Your Home” or “Gimp with a Limp”. I feel he might have a prosthetic leg from having lost his real one in ‘Nam.
Allen: Not to switch gears so fast, but—Mashed Potatoes. Why do you like them and why do I think they’re a punishment from Satan?
Adie: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON’T LIKE MASHED POTATOES???? You monster.
Allen: They taste like wall paper paste and resemble nothing of the starchy vegetable that is so good in so many other ways. Is “wallpaper” one word or two? Grammarly is no help in DMs.
Adie: This baffles me because you love gravy so much. And mashed potatoes are the perfect conduit for eating gravy specifically BECAUSE they don’t have much of a taste on their own. So, no one bats an eye when you just drown them in gravy.
Allen: I do love gravy. But even on mashed potatoes, gravy is disgusting. Do you know what WILL make me eat mashed potatoes?
Adie: I actually just reeled back from the screen there. Even gravy can’t make you like mashed potatoes? I have to know what will.
Allen: I know. You’d think with a body and face like this…but no. Mixing corn into mashed potatoes. Starch on starch does it.
Adie: OMG! YOU FUCKING HEATHEN! I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M FRIENDS WITH YOU!
Allen: I mean, if you could see the shrug I just issued…if I was a normal person with human emotions and could feel shame, I would try. But, that’s moot.
Adie: The only way I’ll eat corn in my mashed potatoes is in those KFC bowls that also have gravy and cheese and chicken in them. Those things are the BOMB!
<Break taken so Adie could secure a KFC Chicken Bowl>
Allen: How do you feel about people going through their partner’s phones? Like in a shady, look through texts while they’re in the shower type of way?
Adie: Oh, helllllll no! Is there anyone who really IS cool with that? I feel like even the people who do it know they’re scumbags.
Allen: Same. I feel like people who go through partners' phones are just looking for a reason to get pissed off. I mean, I fully trust JoJo, but I don't want to see her browser history. People got secrets. Mostly innocuous, but they're still secrets you don't want to know about. Like, how you mentioned on my blog that if people didn't know the types of books I wrote, they'd be scared to know that I know what BTUs certain bodies put off when burned. If you saw my browser history, you'd think I was a serial killer. LOL
Adie: For real. Plus, it's like, you can't get mad at anything you find, because you're also in the wrong. Like, if you sneak into your partner's phone and find out that they lied to you about something, what do you say? "Oh, I broke into your private shit while you were sleeping and found this out and now I can't trust you anymore?" Hey pot, meet kettle. Although, upon my death, it is Pup’s duty as my best friend and kind of partner to wipe my hard drive. He already knows my secrets anyway.
Allen: What do you think is the most disturbing thing in your browser history that you’re willing to share?
Adie: In my browser history? Probably nothing too salacious, really. I don't search for a lot of bad shit. I read a lot of reader-insert fan fiction which I guess is kind of embarrassing. Otherwise my search history is just Pagan deities and how to write a good about me page lol! I write some awful shit though, and wouldn't want anyone snooping through my files. Since I write that stuff under a pen name I don't want to mention specifically what it is since this is going on your blog.
Allen: Fair enough. lol One time, Jodi asked to use my phone to make a call 'cause her phone had died. And I didn't care, there ain't nothin' on there she can't know about. But when she opened my iPhone, I had left Google Images up with bodies in various stages of decomposition. She just kind of shrugged and went on about making her call. It was zombie research. *shrugs* Other than being overcaffeinated Coot-Coot 90% of the time, she knows I don't have the energy or attention span to cause real problems.
Adie: Lol Yea, that wouldn't bother me. Pup knows the passcode for my phone, I think. The worst thing anyone will find on my phone are *ahem* pictures of me. And as far as I'm concerned, if you see me like that, it's your own damn fault lol! Pup is the opposite of Jodi. He thinks I want to cause ALL the problems lol!
Allen: LOL! Is he wrong, though? LOL I will confess--I have an obsession with Messenger filters and Snapchat filters. So, there is an inordinate number of selfies on my phone. But it's for humor, not because of narcissism or anything. LOL
Adie: No, when I say Pup thinks I want to cause all the problems, I mean when I hyperbolize and say I want to punch someone in the face, he thinks I would actually do it when mostly I'm just blowing off steam. It's actually kind of annoying, but I'm learning to patiently explain it to him lol! I take pictures of myself for the narcissism lol!
Allen: Oh, totally. I'm constantly saying I'm gonna "cut so-and-so's face off" or something. But I wouldn't. Probably. How much coffee have I had is the deciding factor.
Adie: Exactly! Like, I'm queer and have a vagina and I deal with a lot of shit just by existing. Sometimes I just want to rage and get it all out. Talking about how much I want to punch someone actually helps ensure I DON'T ACTUALLY PUNCH SOMEONE.
Allen: Right? Sometimes you have to fantasize about bathing in the blood of your enemies. If that's wrong, I don't want to be right.
Adie: Same. Plus, I hear it's good for your skin. Imagination-Me must have FLAWLESS skin lol!
Allen: I'm so past thinking that's a possibility for me. LOL
This concludes the first volume of Adie & Allen Save the World! Tune in to Das Midnight Goose for further adventures chronicling our nonsense!
I gotta go.
Until next time...